ANGUS C. FISHPORKSKY

Most people recognize Angus as one of Canada’s greatest Scottish comedians from the mid-80s. His routines, “New Brunswick, Old Stinkfish” and “Fishin’ With the Missus” were such guaranteed laugh-getters that he’d do them eight times a night during casual dinner conversations. His catch-phrase, “Well Look Who’s Talkin’ The Shite Now, You British Columbian Faggot!” adorned every fifth t-shirt made in Canada for three years running and accounted for three percent of Canada’s Gross National Product, 1985-87.
However, after the infamous Scottish backlash movement in 1986 (dubbed “Scott-Free Canada” by the media), Angus retired to the country to become a high-realism painter. His flamboyantly gay oil paintings were well-received, if not an inaccurate representation of Angus’ rugged lady-killing lifestyle. Because of this fact, Angus recently signed a ten-year contract with Chip Zdarsky to be his official “Guest Artist” in order to re-gain the hetero street cred he so desperately needs.

BIF MOULINARSKY

Chicago. 1922. Prohibition fever had gripped the streets. It was a losing battle. Bif Moulinarsky knew it. Bif was a rookie cop with a taste for something bigger. Fat, fat women. But Bif’s plump beauties were losing weight fast and Bif couldn’t afford to feed them on a cop’s salary. That’s when everything changed. A cold night. A bust gone wrong. A briefcase filled with fives. Before Bif knew it he had spent 30 years in and out of institutions. Cold institutions. And then Bif’s salvation came. In the form of a drawing test. All Bif had to do was copy a picture of a pirate, which was provided, onto an opposing blank surface, which was also provided. Before Bif knew it he was a cartoon graduate. Within weeks he had a nation-wide syndicated hit on his hands, “L’il Negro Jimmy”. A multi-million dollar business was spawned. Then, in 1994, ten years after controversially renaming the strip “L’il Negro Jimmy and his Negro Pals”, Bif retired the strip. He currently resides in Montana, and in the hearts of all decent people. Now, at 103 years old, Bif returns to fill in on Prison Funnies.

BOOKER B. SATURN

Hey you. You feelin’ down? You hittin’ bottom? You need a quick fix? Well, Booker B. Saturn’s got the cure for what ails ya. Booker’s been curing what ails ya for over fifteen years now, as he’s been in and out of various institutions and rehab joints for multiple drug charges. For as long as friends can remember, Booker’s been claiming to have invented LSD. The fact that it was created six years before he was born never dissuaded him from his insistance. Troubled by his friends’ mockings, Booker set out to create the world’s greatest drug, and he succeeded in 1997 with “Saturnz”. “Saturnz” were simple pills, which you rolled up with tobacco, in order to smoke them. Then, you patiently waited until you had to urinate. When the time came, you collected the urine into a syringe, which you then injected into your arm. The following “high” lasts for up to sixteen years, unless you receive a full blood transfusion. Booker tested the prototype drug on himself and remains “high” to this day, causing him to forget how he made it. Perhaps in 2013, it’ll all come back to him. Until then, Booker likes to draw stuff.

CAPTAIN INDUSTRY

Barry Swanford was a nobody, a real goddamn loser. People would rather crap in his mouth than listen to anything he had to say. As a matter of fact it was this very thing that gave Barry a nasty case of E.Coli while on a pleasure cruise with his wife. It all started when Barry caught her doing several types of nasty with a Portuguese cruise attendant on the first day of their vacation. When he asked the young man to please stop porking his missus, Armando responded by using Barry’s face as a toilet, much to the delight of Mrs. Swanford. Several days later the E.Coli kicked in and Barry was as good as dead.
With fears that an E.Coli outbreak could harm the reputation of the cruise line, an executive decision was made to dump Barry’s still-living body into the Atlantic Ocean and forget about the whole thing. Luckily for Barry, a pirate ship picked him up a few hours later and nursed him back to health.
After spending weeks with these ‘Vultures of the Sea,’ Barry not only acquired a taste for piratery, but he also took note of how hard the pirates worked towards achieving their life goals. Inspired, Barry acquired his own pirate ship, dubbed it the S.S. Personal Betterment, and now sails from port to port as a motivational speaker espousing the ways of the pirate as it can relate to your daily life.

CLUTCH FLACO

A man of extreme adventure and a woman by birth, Clutch Falco has re-defined what it means to be a man, and by this new definiton he is the only man on the planet. Because of this fact, Clutch regularly has sex with whomever he chooses and still claims to be a hetero-sexual as the people he has sex with couldn’t possibly be “men.” Authorities are constantly on the lookout for this avid equal-opportiunity rapist, more from general interest than any desire to stop his forniverous spree.
This is Clutch’s first attempt at cartooning.

DR. RIPLEY MUSSELS

While most people, like myself, Chip Zdarsky, dismiss “gynecology” as a bastard practice, devoid of any real science, Dr. Ripley Mussels continues to push the boundaries of this medical quackery with her own take on it: proctogynecology.
Since 1988, she has successfully converted 260 assholes into vaginas, 65 vaginas into assholes and inter-converted 45 assholes and vaginas. Her work with both vaginas and assholes has brought her neighbourhood acclaim and a great sense of empowerment since she was tragically born with neither an asshole nor a vagina.
“But how does she fuck and shit,” you ask? I’m not really sure.
Dr. Mussels recently took a sabbatical from her practice to get in touch with her non-vagina/asshole feelings and produce comical strips. This Guest Prison Funnies is her first attempt.

JIMMY DOORLOCKS

Jimmy never meant to hurt anyone. Why would he? After all, he has the mind of a four-year old. Unfortunately, that mind is deep inside a 350-lb., 36-year old man’s body. And also, unfortunately, that body is deep inside an 8-ton Russian T-26B tank. That’s right. A retarded monster of a man controls one of the finest tank specimens of World War II. And strangely enough, he knows how to use it.
Doctors have been marvelling at his inate ability to drive the machine, perfectly lock onto suburban targets and fire explosive shells at them with military-precision, defying all mentally-handicapped stereotypes. Since he began his reign of terror in his hometown of Bellingham, Iowa in 2000, over 35 papers have been written about his triumph over disability in all the major medical journals. In addition to this recognition, Jimmy’s received countless awards from mentally handicapped organizations and even an honorary Special Olympics medal. Jimmy rarely unlocks the hatch on his tank to appear in public, but recently he did just that to deliver his first Guest Prison Funnies. The strip was nominated, sight unseen, for eleven more awards. Way to go Jimmy!

JUNIOR

All babies are cute and Junior is no exception. His eyes, like any child’s, are full of wonder and whimsy. His skin, like all babies’, is silky smooth underneath the bristle of his three-day stubble. Yes, Junior is quite the charmer. And that charm comes through in his delicate renderings and playful mis-use of the English language when he sets about to craft a comic strip. Junior only stops drawing long enough to suck the milk from a passing tit or to squeeze a “number two” between his baby-powdered buttocks and whatever bargain-brand diaper his negligent mother is buying these days.
Since Junior, at the age of seven months, is drawing at the level of a 33-year old man, by the time he celebrates his first birthday he’ll be drawing at a 255-year old level! Whatever will that be like!

MR. SHOONTZY

Not much is known about Mr. Shoontzy.

PINTER CORGAN

Ah, Pinter Corgan. Pinter, Pinter Corgan. Li’l Pinty Corgan. Stabbed a cat in the eye with a knitting needle, that Pinter Corgan. Made love to a Craftmatic bed while his Grandma was taking a nap on it, that pint-sized Pinter Corgan. Ah, good ol’ plucky Pinter Corgan. Lured neighbourhood boys to the old abandoned bread factory and ate their faces, that horrible Pinter Corgan. Oh, Pinter, sweet Pinter Corgan. How many times have you burned your sister’s face, Pinter? Christ almighty, Pinter Corgan. You sure know how to remove the spine from a dead dog and sodomize that legless derilict with it, you twisted fuck, Pinter Corgan. Oh, you godless child, Pinter Corgan. Did it ever occur to you that Uncle Cory can’t breathe with that rat taped in his mouth, Pinter? Pinter, Pinter, Pinter. Rest easy now, Pinter. Close your eyes, young Pinter Corgan. Let the dreams come swiftly and fill your head full of candy and candied fruits. It’s been a busy day and it’s time for slumber, sweet prince.

ROBERTA

Roberta is as cute as a button and as lethal as a zipper. A troubled childhood quickly led to a life of crime, and now at the age of seven, roberta has been to the principal’s office over seventy-five times. Whether it be fingernails down a chalkboard or a malicious push off of the monkey bars, it’s a sure bet roberta’s grubby paws are involved. But while the elementary school system fears and shuns her, the New York city art scene welcomes her. Her latest show “Paintings I did with my fingers of Carmen the boy who sits next to me who i hate hate hate” has won rave reviews and has flung her into a world of cocaine and parties past her bedtime. Prison Funnies is not her first foray into the world of cartooning. Her grade one comic strip, “roberta pushing carmen off the see-saw and then laughing” was a dark, humorous look at her blossoming relationship with Carmen, whom Katie told me that Kyle told her that she really likes him.

scififan2067@aol.com

Hailed as one of this century’s most prolific message board posters, scififan2067@aol.com’s mantra is direct, simple, and included as a signature file with every one of his postings: “Star Wars Fans & Star Trek Fans Must Work Together 2 Save Angel.”
A uniter of online communities, scififan2067@aol.com helps to bridge franchise gaps even when he isn’t online. His Meals On Wheels program which provides Star Trek fans with hot meals, all lovingly cooked up by Star Wars fans is but one of three examples of this dedication.
Despite his loving heart and extensive trivial knowledge, scififan2067@aol.com will die in May of 2005 after watching Star Wars Episode III, when he finally comes to the realization that Star Wars blows.

SIDNEY PITT

Hailed as one of the greatest lovers of the 20th century, the 21st century hasn’t been as successful for Mr. Sidney Pitt. Not in the slightest.

This is Sidney’s first attempts at “cartooning”.

TTIIMM CCHHEEVVEELLDDAAEE

Neither raised by wolves nor raised by panthers, TTiimm has the feral qualities of both these creatures, resembling more of a force of nature than a man. This was his leading defence in 1998, when the province of Ontario accused him of devouring a local girl’s kitten. The courts decided that a force of nature would do well with some downtime in the local prison, and so TTiimm spent the next six months in Bellesworth Correctional Facilities. While there he discovered his passion: not being in jail. He was out in three months on good behavior under the condition that he complete one-year’s worth of community service. What followed was “Skeleton Catching a Footbal”, TTiimm’s cartoon for the Independent Weekly. Poignant and clumsy, “SCAF” was heralded as bad from all corners of the paper, ending it’s run well-ahead of his one-year mandatory service time. With his parole officer breathing down his neck, TTiimm landed a position helping the Humane Society, where he currently works. The hunger gnaws. The clock ticks ever slower. And TTiimm needs pussy.

VINCENT SLITSLASH

In the autumn of 1947 young Vincent came into this wonderful world fresh-eyed and full of life. Unfortunately, his mother had passed away two months earlier and young Vincent had to sustain himself by gnawing on her rancid corpse until his muffled cries were finally heard through six feet of soil and a cheap plywood coffin.
Since that time Vincent has overcome adversity and anti-semitism to become the self-proclaimed “Master of Horror” and is now a succesful moving-picture screenwriter. His credits include “Casper II: A Spirited Beginning”, “Casper III: The Case of the Legless Boy” and his current script “Marksman Pooch”.
Vincent lives in your nightmares and New Orleans, where he resides in a fully restored Victorian mansion with his lovely wife Victoria and his three terrifying daughters.

WINSTON O'LEARY

Winston O’Leary has the charms of an English dandy, and the literary grace of yet another English dandy. He has contributed to many chat rooms along the International Network of Networks, and has become rather legendary for his contributions to pornographic file-sharing sites all across the World Wibe Web. Winston O’Leary is rather accomplished for an eleven-year old boy, surpassing his father and older brother in adult downloads/uploads on the family computer. He has parlayed this underground success into something more financially aboveground with written articles for playboy.com, salon.com and analfrenzy.com. Winston’s burgeoning career was almost destroyed however, when authorities traced a kiddie-porn ring to his computer. Being a child himself however, Winston’s father bore the brunt of the investigation and is currently serving an eleven year sentence at Wormwood Correctional Institute. Prison Funnies is Winston’s first attempt at a comic strip. Bravo, Winston!